It’s a Couch. No, It’s a Bottle Rack.

The post title is “Moving Giveaway”. I respect this effort to put a happy twist on an effort to get rid of a bunch of junk. I also think I detect a bluntness I might enjoy a beer with once in a while: “Transportation is on you.” (Say this with a Billy Crystal voice and you’ll get what I mean.)

If you look closely you can see that in addition to a bunch of empty bottles of Jack Daniels, you are also getting a few nice Lord of the Rings figurines.

Man, this couch has lived!

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The Crug Test, a First Step Toward Standardization of Icky Couch Appraisal

It just dawned on me that I should scientifize (yes, I DO make up new words, a lot) the process of determining whether or not a used couch is truly crugly. Perhaps even, with more research and development, a system of classification (genus: couch, species: porch…) can be instigated. Until then, here is a list of guidelines I’d like to propose that will put us all on the same page as far as what truly constitutes crug (as opposed to just possibly seeing the world through crug-colored eyes on any particular [Mon] day).

It’s Crug For Sure If 1 or More of the Following Applies:

  • you could lose visual contact with a baby on it
  • it stirs memories from your subconscious that you were once abducted by aliens
  • it triggers dry heaves
  • the smell permeates through your computer screen
  • it operates an I-can’t-believe-I’m-seeing-this paralysis reflex on your optic nerve
  • even your cat says “no”
  • you feel a sudden urge to remain standing the rest of your life
  • you’d rather have a plantar wart than THAT in your living room
  • the words “Nyquil green rivers” repeat incessantly in your head
  • you want to anonymously forward the link to Donald Rumsfeld

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Is It a One Person Couch…or a Chair?

“Comfortable One Person Couch”

I believe, in simpler terms, we might call this a “chair”. And yet, if we want to go there, it is indeed a one person couch. Why does the person who posted this ad call it a one person couch instead of a chair? Top 10 possible reasons:

10. Used to have drop leafs and seat 4, but leafs have been lost.

9. Won the coin flip against “Loveseat for the Lithe”.

8. TOO many margaritas.

7. Delusions of grandeur.

6. Vocabulistic OCD.

5. Chairphobia.

4. National Euphemism Month.

3. SCAMMER?!

2. Denial.

1.  The mother. It’s always the mother.

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The Whole Free Couch Thing

This morning I thought I would do a little experiment and Google out into the wide world “Craigslist free couch” to see how many responses I’d net…371,000 results. There’s probably some down and dirty crug in there, but today I’m feeling positive and so let’s let crug live and let crug. I did come across this blog post on Wired about the trials of trying to get rid of free couches and it struck my funny bone.

http://www.wired.com/underwire/2009/05/alt-text-craigslist/

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Let Dead Couches Lie

Our main feature today is really the closest thing I’ve seen to a poster child for a Crugslist Telethon or the new non-profit I’m going to start called “Americans for Old Couch Euthanasia” The title reads: “plz come get this couch out my apartment”. Right away the “plz” tells you you’re into something fine, like a pure shot of crug juice. Continue reading

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When I’m That Worn Out I Hope My Beauty Still Shines Through Too

Old couches are like people, you can work a lot with cosmetics but it helps to have started with a decent design in the first place. You can smell like cats, have broken legs, or need a new outfit but a keen observer will pick up on potential right through those inconveniences. Conversely, having a beautiful frame doesn’t necessarily beget a beautiful being. There’s that little detail of having lived a beautiful life that no other element of design can replace.

Did a cat ever curl up in your lap? Has a giggling child used you as a launching pad? Were you surrounded by books and Sunday papers and pots of coffee? Have you ever been rocked by passionate loving?

Were you lucky enough to have had grandparents who loved you and brushed you off gently when you were covered in powdered sugar? Some couches are not that lucky. They may have been spilled on by careless strangers, ripped by trusted friends, or neglected for other various reasons. Yet, it seems almost any couch can be repaired if you really put your attention to it, and renovate with heart.

Analogy-wise, this idea that an old couch doesn’t have to be disgusting despite being worn or even damaged gives me comfort. The core still counts even when the details are messed up. And — the Crug Consultant in me can’t resist — if at the very least you take the time to make sure things are clean, you’re already ahead of the pack. (Remember that, kids.)

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The Dark Side of Crug

OK guys. This post gives me the CREEPS. It’s long, but if you have time to read it, tell me at the other end of the tunnel if it doesn’t make you want to notify someone else (so you don’t have to be alone in your uneasy gut feeling) or run to Blockbuster to rent Silence of the Lambs or Se7en.

Title: misc items in a box in the trailer
Text:
5 rush programs in fair condition
an x-rated wooden gag bar item
carpet tool
old liquor sign thingy
a couple kids books princessess i think
a fairy figurine
a vintage dickson display base thingy
a new golf glove
a working walkie talkie
a cornucopia glass item
a couple electrical meters & probes i know nothing about

if you show up when i’m here i’ll shoot you more good stuff of your choosing
[name]at [address] [tel]

I MAY NOT BE ABLE TO DELETE THIS AD WHEN GONE SO CALL 1ST
DO TAKE THE ONE BOX WITH THESE ITEMS LISTED
DO NOT TAKE THE OTHER 2 BOXES WITH PC ITEMS
THE INDUSTRIAL CENTER IS MONITORED
PLEASE HAVE INTEGRITY & BE HONEST

Not so much anymore, but in the past I filled a lot of memory banks with bad TV and scary movies. Consequently this list, which if deconstructed and examined line by line might not fire any synapses in those banks, really sets off the cherry bombs in the weird account. Aside from filling in a whole bunch of other gory insane stuff between the lines, did anyone else’s rampant imagination misread “if you show up when i’m here i’ll shoot you“?

All that’s a little dark for a Saturday morning (pre-coffee). Let’s have a little sweetness and light.

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