Zippity Doo Da!

I awoke this morning feeling a little like a dead cat on the side of the road. It’s cloudy and I’m dehydrated. I thought to myself I’ll get to posting early in case things get busy and, the heavens forbid, the day slips away without a moment to check out the day’s new crop of delicious divans. I decided to have a strategy to finding today’s showcased couch. There are afterall a LOT of cities to choose from on Craigslist (so much crug, so little time). So I picked a place I’d like to go today, a place I’d not like to go today, and the place I am. Respectively: Hawaii, Inland Empire (California), and San Diego. Well, let me just tell you, there are icky couches available in all of those places. They’re-a-fer-the-pickin’. And let me tell you something else. Crug shopping can make you euphoric. (Maybe it’ll become the new addiction. Like “hey man, you got some crug?” “yeah dude, I got the good stuff”.) My endorphins are now at higher levels than when I first saw Borat. I mean there is some seriously funny stuff out there — and there’s more of it every day. Anyway let’s get down to it. It was a hard choice to make but today’s Grand Prize Winner, only slightly edging out Hawaii (Hawaiians do it on the curb) and Hemit (“there is also a dirty couch if you want it”), is…

Miss San Diego!!!!

The accompanying text reads:

Free For The Taking, Antique Love Seat. Has a broken back leg, but it worked with a block of wood in lieu of the leg. It also needs a cover. This is a hardwood frame, i believe spring cushioned love seat. Great project ‘couch’
Currently waiting outside …… no need to phone, txt, email or ring bell… just come and get it.

Now let’s deconstruct this a bit. (I’ve just had an epiphany! I’m going to become a crug analyst! It’ll become a huge empire! First my business cards will read: Crug Consulting, Sr Account Executive. And then we’ll be bought by Kraft and my card will read: Crug International LLC, CEO. Changing the World, One Crug at a Time.) So, let’s take it line by line.

Free For The Taking: redundant (in light of the photo)

Antique Love Seat: It’s Not Because You Capitalize It That It’s True, Although If Antique Just Means Olde, Then OK.

Has a broken back leg, but it worked with a block of wood in lieu of the leg: I don’t think I want to know how they broke its leg. (Don’t ask, don’t tell.) Can we assume from the photo that the block of wood is not included?

It also needs a cover: honey, it needs a lot more than a cover. But yes, that’s pretty obvious. Like a mother screaming at her 2-year old not to cross the street by himself.

This is a hardwood frame, i believe spring cushioned love seat: I can’t get past the outside of it. I’m not even concerned about what’s inside of it. (There is something catchy about that phrasing though. The next time someone knocks on my door to discuss religion, I’m going to pull that one out: “I believe spring cushioned love seat”, and then I’ll make a peace sign.)

Great project ‘couch’: uh, there’s a LOT of redundancy going on here,  as in project. (More at projectile. As in jettison.) Also, great use of single quotes, though I’m not sure they meant it the way I’m taking it.

Currently waiting outside: I hope this pertains to just the couch, and not the owner.

no need to phone, txt, email or ring bell…just come and get it: desperation is never very attractive. That couch will never catch a man if she just jumps into any old pickup bed. She needs to play a little harder to get.

I suggest:

“Vintage love seat, seen a lotta lovin’, customize to fit your decor, great bones, available for viewing today, otherwise make appointment with my secretary to view if collector has not already swooped in.  Love, CEO, Crug International, LLC”

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3 Responses to Zippity Doo Da!

  1. Dan Hellcat says:

    I like that the advertiser used the expression “in lieu of” when describing the block of wood used to hold up the back leg. As if this was some kind of option or upgrade!

  2. Cindy: I predict you will be a famous crug analyst.

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