When the dog bites! When the bee stings! When I’m feeling sad…I simply remember my favorite things, and then a don’t feeeeel soooo…..crug. I think the Sound of Music was the very first movie I ever saw in a movie theater just me and my mom (my brother was busy trapping lizards and pilfering through my piggy-bank). And not that I really care what anyone might glean about my age (because I REGULARLY get carded at Trader Joe’s) but it was sort of a bring-an-old-movie-back-to-the-movies kind of engagement. I still remember the feeling of watching as the opening-scene camera glided through the Alpine sky until it panned to teeny tiny Maria in the field. I loved it. I loved the music. After that I wore my vocal chords down singing Do a Deer and My Favorite Things. I always wondered how they picked out exactly what the favorite things would be. If it were me I would have added the Sonny and Cher Show, Greg Schulte (he sat next to me in 4th grade), and any equine on earth. (Today I would also add Nutella.) I, to this day, will for no good reason hear lyrics from that song as I’m driving. If no one’s in the car to make fun of me, i.e. any dirty-rotten rug rats with the same last name as me, I indulge my love of belting out. This morning as I tried to sift through the far-too-many good possibilities for the featurette I heard a cruggy adaptation of that song. I took that as a sign that no crug should go asunder. So I kept them all. Editorial balance be damned! Today there shall be 6 featurettes and only 1 crug! Drum roll please. Ladies and gentlemen of the crugademy, our 6, indivisible, featurettes, today, are: (You might variously be hearing, as I am, the voice of Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Fallon, Seth Rogen, Seth Myers, Barack Obama, or B.o.B.)
- I will take your flowers
- German shepherd mother & son
- free elderly walker
- lots of tires
- free fuzzy rescue kitten
- Alert Dangerous fugitives Reward for location information
If you’re not right now on vacation, or on a long coffee break on a day when the boss is out, you might want to bookmark this and read it when you get home, because it ain’t gonna be short. I will take your flowers. Doesn’t that sound threatening to you? It also sounds like the title to a New York Times bestseller. Someone should find a way to integrate Google Ad Sense into Craigslist because this title would irresistibly generate a huge number of clicks. I’m not going to post the picture or the exact text here because it might be a tad insensitive. (For couches I am ruthless. For real, albeit in my opinion slightly aberrant, humans I do have some retenu.) Suffice to say it involves a request for “any number” of artificial flowers you don’t want. (In my case they could have them “all”, if I had any.) The requester places them on family grave sites. Every Sunday. I just want to say, in case they really don’t know, artificial flowers do not fade, ever. As in after the earth implodes and returns to quanta, intact artificial flowers will still be floating through the galaxy. And yes, there was a picture. German shepherd mother & son. I see Ripley’s Believe It or Not. But no, it’s not the results of a Utah desert human-canine experiment. Just someone who wants to get rid of some rabid dogs. The text reads:
I have a 2yr old female & 6mth old male German Shepherd dog, they have no papers, and are not tame, they are very good watch dogs, can become friendly if you have the time for them,they are mother and son if intrested
LOOK at that face. It scares me from the computer screen. And is that a puma in the background?? I appreciate their honesty: and are not tame. I’m positive they are fantastic watch dogs. Maybe one watches the other while the other devours a handler. How about: they are mother and son if intrested. It’s all in the syntax. And nope, not ‘intrested’. Free elderly walker. The possibility of misunderstanding this one is high. Like “Mother Mary I can’t afford to support Grampa Joe anymore, he’s spending me out of house and home with his taste in walking shoes. ‘Hey Gramp! You wanna go for a ride in the countryside later today?!'”
Lots of tires. Text: i have alot of tires that i have gathered over the last couple months, i dont have any use for these and im trying to make some room so i would like to put them on here for someone to take there is over 25 tires
The mother in me wants to ask: well if you didn’t have room for them why did you gather them? I’m glad though that you’re trying to clean your room. Now get your grammar and punctuation homework done before supper. FREE FUZZY RESCUE KITTEN. Remember my last post on CAPITAL LETTERS? This should raise your critical thinking for crug antennas right away. See if you can analyze this one by yourself first, and then we’ll compare my version to yours. Text:
Rescue kitten, it was bitten by a pit bull, but is doing great.When you see this sweet guy, you just want to love it with all your heart. It is super sweet, fuzzy, gray, male kitten. About 2 months old and is super lovable. I took it out of the environment and promised the family I would find it a good home. I already have a house full of animals and cannot keep it.
I’m feeling queasy. Did you get it? This is obviously the work of a SCAMMER. (A SCAMMER is someone who tries to SCAM you and you should always tell them to STAY AWAY from you when you are the seller. They are notoriously afraid of CAPITAL LETTERS. It’s like garlic to a vampire.) Only this SCAMMER is coming from the other side of the rabbit hole. They are not trying to ruse us from the buying side, they are trying to get us from the seller side. (Oh god, when I’m dreaming am I awake or when I’m awake am I dreaming?) They want us to believe there is a desperate kitten out there all alone who is mewing our name, specifically. Well, I’ve watched enough 2am television to know that if you call that number you will be calling Robert G. Allen’s red phone. Your call will be tracked. You will then disappear into his zombie nation of Real Estate Millionaires. DON’T DO IT. THERE. IS. NO. KITTEN. DO YOU HEAR ME? Last featurette (I told you this would get long): Alert Dangerous fugitives Reward for location information. This one piques my interest. Again, my sense of capitalization starts sounding subtle alarms. Maybe a German trick. Or worse, a German SCAMMER. The Germans capitalize everything willy-nilly. On the other hand it’s got that “we wanna seem Governmental but we’re really a bunch of Scuzzballs that can’t even win at Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader at home when they flash the answer on the screen” way about it. (I know, they don’t flash the answers on the screen.) Still, if it’s official, I might want to be a good citizen and be aware, just in case. Click:
I Google CTCLEA. It’s a bounty hunting company. (The Sound of Music soundtrack is now coming through as Pulp Fiction.) And see, my theory was right. I want to call and tell them that contestant number two appears twice. Or maybe it’s his twin brother? That might work. Game shows love the twins angle. That’s it for the featurettes. Phew.
And finally, our featured crug of the day.
I believe that when the seller took these shots he was a) fall-down drunk, or b) working on a thesis on deconstructivism, or c) both. The text tells me (I’m feeling Alice from Twilight with some Dr Freud in the static) that he may have a manipulative personality:
I have a nice glass coffee table that is yours if you can come take my couch. The coffee table is one inch thick glass that measures 36 inches by 36 inches and sits on a metal frame that is Xshaped.
The couch is a leather two piece sectional couch, and each part measures:
36 inches wide
29 inches tall
75 inches long
The couch used to be a really nice couch, but has been in my garage for too long. It needs to be cleaned and it is missing a couple of seat cushions or you could use it for parts.
If you take the couch you can have the coffee table and I have a couple of other household items that you can have as well. E-mail me if you are interested. Thanks.
1. I want to call and ask the seller how one uses a couch for parts.(?) 2. Also what kind of crap other household items is he forcing on the poor chap who falls into his manipulative lair giving away? And 3. I want to tell him that if he paints the exterior of my house… I’ll take his couch.