Our main feature today is really the closest thing I’ve seen to a poster child for a Crugslist Telethon or the new non-profit I’m going to start called “Americans for Old Couch Euthanasia” The title reads: “plz come get this couch out my apartment”. Right away the “plz” tells you you’re into something fine, like a pure shot of crug juice.
And you won’t be wrong.
This baby stands for everything this blog is about. Ladies and gentlemen. Gold! I mean has there ever been such deserving candidate for the first inductee into the Crug Hall of Fame? Dirty couch innards for free. That’s what I’m talkin’ about. The description reads:
couch for free the rest is in the dumpster
just please come get i cant move it begin pregnant
I can hardly stand it. I want to be appointed Craigslist Court Justice so I can change the post category from “free” to “dying” (and then legalize couch euthanasia). This just ain’t right. The entrails and the “rest” should be reunited. In the dumpster. And ne’er the two torn asunder. I feel sorry for the girl, for sure. Wait! Is this an evil SCAMMER ruse to get me to feel sorry enough for the poster to take away their scummy refuse?! Could be. But if it’s not, I really do feel sorry for the girl. I wouldn’t want to be pregnant around that thing either, much less envision the idea that it might be there after the baby comes out. You’d need an extra post-natal vaccination against Horribilus Sofacella. Imagine: laying the pretty new baby in its teeny little badinkadink diaper on that couch. UN-i-mag-in-able.
I get that she wants to get rid of the thing. But there’s really no hope, at all, in hell’s half acre, that anyone else, at all, in the universe, even in Bombay Beach, would or should have that decrepit collection of molecules in their living space, be it inside, outside, twainside or twixtside, with a mouse or in a house, with a fox or in a box. (I only like clean couches and ham.) I’m going to say this once (a post): when a couch is dead, it’s dead. And dead couches should not be pawned off on anyone else (though sadly America’s living rooms are full of them…)
Here’s a little pro bono crug consultancy, a rewrite to be posted in the community volunteers category:
Help please. Pregnant lady needs someone to help her remove old couch to dumpster. Payment: *chocolate chip cookies, milk, and a smile.
*Alternatively, a jar of Nutella is also one of life’s greatest motivators (at least at our house).