The Crug Test, a First Step Toward Standardization of Icky Couch Appraisal

It just dawned on me that I should scientifize (yes, I DO make up new words, a lot) the process of determining whether or not a used couch is truly crugly. Perhaps even, with more research and development, a system of classification (genus: couch, species: porch…) can be instigated. Until then, here is a list of guidelines I’d like to propose that will put us all on the same page as far as what truly constitutes crug (as opposed to just possibly seeing the world through crug-colored eyes on any particular [Mon] day).

It’s Crug For Sure If 1 or More of the Following Applies:

  • you could lose visual contact with a baby on it
  • it stirs memories from your subconscious that you were once abducted by aliens
  • it triggers dry heaves
  • the smell permeates through your computer screen
  • it operates an I-can’t-believe-I’m-seeing-this paralysis reflex on your optic nerve
  • even your cat says “no”
  • you feel a sudden urge to remain standing the rest of your life
  • you’d rather have a plantar wart than THAT in your living room
  • the words “Nyquil green rivers” repeat incessantly in your head
  • you want to anonymously forward the link to Donald Rumsfeld


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