Free Plastic Alien Head

I did not even have to make up that title. It’s part of the description. The whole description reads:

free plastic alien head container from alien pop suckers.

It looks like this:

I would not call on an item like this. It’s generally the kind of thing that gets smuggled in every day by one of the kids and that I try to sneak out the next day. It’s a constant (losing) battle. I like that the ad poster went to the trouble of posting something so quirky. And I like the sound of the words ‘alien pop suckers’. It’s got an expletive kinda feel to it. It might come in handy one of these days, as in:  ‘WHICH one of you ALIEN POP SUCKERS forGOT to flush the TOIlet again?!!!!

Today’s crug is a typical example of desperate CAPITALIZATION (remember? the larger the letters the cruglier the post). The title reads:

COUCH AND LARGE MIRRORS

I hardly want to admit it but the ad poster posted from the town I live in. You’ll understand why I’m embarrassed after you follow link:

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Rescue Kittens, Walking Elders, and Fugitives, These Are a Few of My Favorite Things!

When the dog bites! When the bee stings! When I’m feeling sad…I simply remember my favorite things, and then a don’t feeeeel soooo…..crug.  I think the Sound of Music was the very first movie I ever saw in a movie theater just me and my mom (my brother was busy trapping lizards and pilfering through my piggy-bank). And not that I really care what anyone might glean about my age (because I REGULARLY get carded at Trader Joe’s) but it was sort of a bring-an-old-movie-back-to-the-movies kind of engagement.  I still remember the feeling of watching as the opening-scene camera glided through the Alpine sky until it panned to teeny tiny Maria in the field. I loved it. I loved the music. After that I wore my vocal chords down singing Do a Deer and My Favorite Things. I always wondered how they picked out exactly what the favorite things would be. If it were me I would have added the Sonny and Cher Show, Greg Schulte (he sat next to me in 4th grade), and any equine on earth. (Today I would also add Nutella.) I, to this day, will for no good reason hear lyrics from that song as I’m driving. If no one’s in the car to make fun of me, i.e. any dirty-rotten rug rats with the same last name as me, I indulge my love of belting out. This morning as I tried to sift through the far-too-many good possibilities for the featurette I heard a cruggy adaptation of that song. I took that as a sign that no crug should go asunder. So I kept them all. Editorial balance be damned! Today there shall be 6 featurettes and only 1 crug! Drum roll please. Ladies and gentlemen of the crugademy, our 6, indivisible, featurettes, today, are: (You might variously be hearing, as I am,  the voice of Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Fallon, Seth Rogen, Seth Myers, Barack Obama, or B.o.B.)

  • I will take your flowers
  • German shepherd mother & son
  • free elderly walker
  • lots of tires
  • free fuzzy rescue kitten
  • and
  • Alert Dangerous fugitives Reward for location information Continue reading
Posted in Animals, Bad Pictures, Couch, Critical Thinking, SCAMMERS | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Guest Crug

You know you’re really on to something when your neighbors start Facebooking you links to terrible couches on Craigslist. What does it mean? This: I’m not just imagining it — this is Important, Fascinating Stuff. Others get it. Why? Because, ultimately, icky couches are a point of entry into understanding our culture and, indeed, ourselves (I am sporting tweed and smoking a pipe with my legs crossed right now, can you tell? And yes, please quote me generously, anywhere, if you want to. And no, I do not do drugs, or drink before noon). Buddhist philosophy says that if you study a grain of sand you will know the universe. If you like Western references better, William Blake said it nicely:

To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour.

I think this totally applies to couches on Craigslist. From a couch on Craigslist you may extrapolate outward toward, feel instinctively, the entire universe (or possibly just your living room). What does this have to do with today’s crug in particular? Nothing. Just waxing philosophic. It’s misting this morning, and mist does that to me. Well, actually I started on this little bent because my neighbor, I’ll call her “Michele” (i.e. her real name), sent me a link to a nice juicy one. I loved this neighbor even before I found out she too has a fascination with grody couches on Craigslist, and now that I know we share the same twisted taste in pasttimes I really feel a cosmic connection. (Don’t worry, Michele, I mean “Michele”, I won’t invent excuses to come hang out all the time. “Do you have a cup of Round Up?”…;-) ) She is in fact the reason that I started this blog. She posted some links on her FB page about how freaked out you could get by some of the couches you come across when you’re looking to acquire a couch off of Craigslist. This rang so true (and so funny) to me, because in case you were getting the idea that I am just some snobby wanker (wankress?) sitting on my Roche Bobois who likes to pick apart people (and couches) less fortunate than myself, I am not. I actually have an intimate relationship with the free, the re-used, the recycled, and the hand-me-downed. Because when I moved into my present home I came with a pair of underwear and a tooth brush (and the day’s editions of the Economist and People magazines), and the rest I basically acquired from Craigslist, majoratively from the “Free” section. I’ve strolled the halls of Craigslist, and I’ve seen how bad/good-bad it can get. My entire house could be described as a Craigslist showroom (or an organized garage space), with a few other name brands like Salvation Army, Aunt Claire’s Extra Dishes, and Dad’s Old Rocker-Recliner. Yes, I do one day hope to have a Roche Bobois to sit my snobby bum on, but just so you know, even though my bum likes luxury my heart loves the truth. And the truth is sometimes so hysterical it makes my beverages shoot out my nose. So with no further ado, ladies and gentlemen (use your best game show host voice), our guest Michele’s/”Michele’s”
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Posted in Couch, Critical Thinking, Michele's Pick, San Diego | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Psych(o) 101

I fancy this pre-feature I’ve created and am going to use it liberally (i.e. whenever I feel like it). There’s really too much (non couch-related) borderline craziness on Craigslist to let it escape uncelebrated. I enjoy the humor that can push up through the cracks of radically imprecise syntax (or just plain drunken redaction). Our featurette is an example of one or the other (I give equal weight to either theory). (Also, I am launching National Put Things In Parentheses Day, today.):

The post hook (title) reads: for cat/ swimming mask

This is immediately riveting to me. A swimming mask for cats! This is either the work of a classifieds jokester, a sadist, or a genius. Or a taste tester for a new brand of ethanol. I see (à la Alice in Twilight) a hot new fad that sweeps the nation. I imagine a sort of pet owner’s rush to Petcos around the country, waiting outside the 4am doors, shoulders rounded, feet small-stepping side to side, hands gripping Starbucks. Then a media blitz about the sudden high level of beach-going cats and the new citizens groups that have been petitioning city halls in coastal cities nationwide: “Negative Action: No Cats Allowed” (sponsored conjointly by the AKC and the NRA), “WTF Are These Brown Lumps in the Sand? They Don’t Look Like Tar” (run by the National Sand Castlers Council), and “Cats in the Water – That Ain’t Right” (backed by the humane society). I must click. Continue reading

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Looney Crugs

Before we get down to crugness, I thought we might have some light pre-feature entertainment, like in the “olden days” (which of course I was not around for) when before  the main feature at a theater they would show you a Looney Tunes cartoon. In Craigslist’s case this could be, for example, something like the following:

This just cracks me up. For one thing, in my neighborhood we’re more interested in getting rid of the coyotes than adding goats to the equation. And secondly, “neither is a leader”. (Well duh – everyone knows what lazy good-fer-nothin’ lag-behinds those pygmies and pygoras are.) Wethered, for the non-initiated, means the poor fellow is requested to present his application for employment sin cajones (does it sound less tragic if it’s in Spanish?!) I don’t know, a leader without balls — might be a fail…

And now on to our feature, also culled from the Craigslist Vermont page. Today’s crug is a matched set. If I say pre-formed blocks of chewing gum and spinach, in your mind’s eye do you see this? Continue reading

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Crug Cup

You know how in “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” Toula’s dad says everything in the universe can be traced back to Greece? Well, I say everything can be traced back to Craigslist. Even the World Cup. No, (unfortunately) they are not selling professional soccer players. If they were, they’d have to be listed under beauty and health. Or outdoor. (Or kink.) Sorry, I digress. I propose that in searching Craigslist for a (not necessarily icky) couch from each of the nations remaining in the Cup and voting on which one we like the best we can predict the winner. Here are the four contenders: Continue reading

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Zippity Doo Da!

I awoke this morning feeling a little like a dead cat on the side of the road. It’s cloudy and I’m dehydrated. I thought to myself I’ll get to posting early in case things get busy and, the heavens forbid, the day slips away without a moment to check out the day’s new crop of delicious divans. I decided to have a strategy to finding today’s showcased couch. There are afterall a LOT of cities to choose from on Craigslist (so much crug, so little time). So I picked a place I’d like to go today, a place I’d not like to go today, and the place I am. Respectively: Hawaii, Inland Empire (California), and San Diego. Well, let me just tell you, there are icky couches available in all of those places. They’re-a-fer-the-pickin’. And let me tell you something else. Crug shopping can make you euphoric. (Maybe it’ll become the new addiction. Like “hey man, you got some crug?” “yeah dude, I got the good stuff”.) My endorphins are now at higher levels than when I first saw Borat. I mean there is some seriously funny stuff out there — and there’s more of it every day. Anyway let’s get down to it. It was a hard choice to make but today’s Grand Prize Winner, only slightly edging out Hawaii (Hawaiians do it on the curb) and Hemit (“there is also a dirty couch if you want it”), is… Crug-roll please…

Posted in Couch, San Diego | Tagged , , , , , , , | 3 Comments